Memorial Day Weekend

Life moves on after a marathon and time heals all wounds.  It helps to rededicate myself to finding balance.  I especially find that balance with my kids.

We went on a Memorial Day hike with our neighbors.  The husbands had to stay behind to fix a busted sprinkler head.  So it was the moms and kids hiking up Battle Creek Canyon!

Though it was crowded, everyone had a super fun hike (it always helps to have friends on a hike)!

Ogden Marathon 2014 Recap

The Dream that Wasn’t – Ogden Marathon 2014 Recap

“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” ~ Michael Jordan

Once again, I am reminded that 26.2 miles deserves the utmost respect.  It is a long time to be on the road and anything can happen. 

I’ve never had such pre-race anxiety before.  I usually never set a specific marathon time goal or set such high expectations before.  I’ve never been so publicly open about my goals.  Though I am full of craziness, I knew I had done my work and felt like my training was going to manifest itself with a BQ.

I headed up to Ogden on Friday afternoon to the expo.  It is hard to explain the excitement of runners and spectators at an expo/starting line/finish line, but it is magical.  The energy can actually be felt and I started to get really excited.  I grabbed my packet and then headed up Ogden Canyon to drive the last half of the course.  Though I have already run the course twice, I wanted to refresh my memory.

After my drive up and down memory lane, I check into my hotel, and then headed off to meet Rachel and friends for dinner.  Rachel is a super star runner who has helped a lot of people met their running goals by being a race pacer.  Though she wasn’t an “official” pacer for this race, she offered to pace me to a 3:40 marathon.  I was beyond grateful!  We had a yummy dinner at our favorite pizza place and headed off to our different destinations for the night.

Unfortunately, I did not sleep at all Friday night and hopped right out of bed at 3:50am.  We met friends at the busses and took the long bus ride to the starting line.  Though it was cold at the start staging area, it wasn’t cold enough.  This meant for a hot morning.  After waiting for an hour and a half, we finally shed our warm-ups and headed to the start. 

I’ve never been this close to the starting line and felt a bit out of place.  The national anthem was sung and the gun went off. 

Though I had time splits written on my arm, I didn’t look at my watch.  I let Rachel keep track of all that.  My legs were not feeling super fresh even though I took a three-week taper.  Four weeks before the race, I ran 53 miles, which was the most amount of miles I’ve ever run.  I felt full of niggles and knew I needed that recovery period.

Around mile 8, it felt like someone took a gas pump full of lead and started pumping it into my legs.  My breathing started to get labored and all the wheels started to fall off.  I kept thinking to myself, “I run more than 8 miles everyday, what is going on? I still have 18 more miles to go.”

Rachel kept looking back and telling me everything was all right.  We eventually made it to the halfway mark and I knew I was in trouble.  I kept saying to myself I could turn things around and I could BQ.  But more and more lead was being pumped into my legs and my heart rate kept getting faster.  I was on top of my nutrition and water and was taking salt pills because of the heat, so why couldn’t my legs cooperate?

We finally made it to mile 17/18 where the elevation drops significantly down the canyon.  Usually, this is where I can pick up speed and really start to feel good. Not today. My buddy Bradley came up behind us.  He knew my goals and knew I should be way further along.  I gave a weak smile and said, “I don’t want to talk about it”.  No judgment was made and he ran with Rachel and I for several miles. 

I finally got to the point of just looking at the yellow line on the road.  Left foot….right foot….left foot….right foot.  I zoned out. My legs were so heavy that I felt like the bad guy in the cartoon “The Incredibles” with his giant robot legs. 

I saw the 3:45 pacer go by and took a major mental blow.  I kept thinking of all the encouragement and kinds words people have said to me the past few days.  “Come on Toby…NOW...NOW is the time to go”  “Come on Toby…you’ve been working on this for 365 days…are you really going to let it slip away?”  I would push that gas pedal to the floor but remained at a stand still.  A few miles later, the 4:00 hour pacer passed me and I mentally lost it. I had only come up with one plan for this race – to run a 3:40 or less.  There was no plan B.  Or C. Or D.  Now my only goal was to finish.

Rachel kept saying and doing all the right things but I just could not respond.  We finally got out of the canyon and I knew Tim and the kids were going to be around mile 23.  Rachel said to look strong to make my family proud.  But as soon as I got through the tunnel and saw them, I lost it.  I stopped to give each one of them a hug and sobbed.  Tears streaming down my face.  I felt as though I disappointed them while I shuffled by.  By this point in the race, all of the facades and walls that I had up were replaced with very raw emotion.

Rachel jokingly said I needed to stop crying because it took much energy.  Shortly thereafter, I saw my dear training partner Kellie.  Ohhhh….what a ray of sunshine on a very dark day!

We finally hit mile 25 and turned onto the final stretch of the race.  That last mile took so long to run.  I could see the finish line and it never got any closer.  I was so afraid my legs were going collapse.  Finally….finally, I stepped over the timing mats.  I was so disappointed.  I felt like I had failed.  I felt like had let so many people down.  I was in a world of hurt physically and mentally. 

My sweet family was standing right off the finishing area and it was nice to have a change of scenery.  We planned a place to meet once I got out of the shoot.  I asked Rachel what I did wrong?  She said “Nothing.  I can do all the right training and preparing and some days it doesn’t work out.”  I am so grateful she is my friend and saw me through a very difficult day.

I grabbed some treats in the finish area and met Tim and kids.  I started to cry once again…so very disappointed I didn’t hit my goal after so much work.  I felt silly for sharing my hopes and dreams for the whole world to see and know I would have to face everyone with empty hands.    

I recently read “The Mental Aspects of Running” by Sasha Pachev.  I loved this paragraph.

“Jenny Spangler runs a 2:43 to qualify for the '96 Trials and she is in tears afterwards, and those are not tears of joy, she is disappointed because deep down she knows she is not a 2:43 girl. She enters the Trials with a B qualifier, nobody considers her a factor. She runs away from the field early on, they ignore her thinking she is a rabbit seeking some TV time, cannot keep the pace, and will come back. She does not come back winning with a 2:29. Had she not known deep down she was a 2:29 girl she would not have been in tears over 2:43. Had she not been in tears over 2:43 she would not have run 2:29.”

So now that it is over and I can look back…I need to run more miles in the heat.  More strength training.  More experience.  More mental toughness.  I had more demons today than dreams.  I totally fell short of my goal and there is no one or thing to blame but myself.  But I still have a BQ in me somewhere.  Maybe not today or tomorrow or marathon #6 or #7….but someday.

Time to recover, move on and come up with a new plan.  Failures lead to successes.

Chasing dreams and conquering demons 2015

(Thank you dear family, friends, and strangers for ALL your kind words.  My phone, email, Facebook, and Instagram blew up this weekend with kindness.  I thought about each of you while I was shuffling down the streets of Ogden.  Thank you…thank you!)

Marathon Thoughts...yes there are more....

I read this article a few weeks ago from Runner's World.  LOVE IT...it expresses every emotion and thought I feel about marathons.

 The hay is in the barn and it is time to just run the darn thing.

The Marathon

There is no luck involved in finishing the Marathon.

By

Dean Karnazes (Google+)

Published

May 1, 2014

The Marathon is not about running, it is about salvation. We spend so much of our lives doubting ourselves, thinking that we’re not good enough, not strong enough, not made of the right stuff. The Marathon is an opportunity for redemption. Opportunity, because the outcome is uncertain. Opportunity, because it is up to you, and only you, to make it happen.

There is no luck involved in finishing the Marathon, the ingredients required to tackle this formidable challenge are straightforward: commitment, sacrifice, grit, and raw determination. Plain and simple.

So you set about your training to prepare your body for the rigors of running 26.2 miles. You refuse to compromise, dedicating yourself wholeheartedly to the contest ahead, pouring everything you’ve got into it. But you know the Marathon will ask for more. In the dark recesses of your mind, a gloomy voice is saying, you can’t. You do your best to ignore this self-doubt, but the voice won’t go away.

The Marathon rattles you to the core. It deconstructs your very essence, stripping away all your protective barriers and exposing your inner soul. When you are at your most vulnerable, the Marathon shows no pity. The Marathon tells you that it will hurt you, that it will leave you demoralized and defeated, crushed in a lifeless heap alongside the roadside. The Marathon tells you can’t do it. “Ha!” it torments you, “In your dreams…”

You fight back, however, and stand courageously at that starting line, nervously awaiting that gun to go off. When it does, you put your head down and charge into the abyss, knowing honestly in your heart of hearts that you either paid your dues or that you skimped along the way. There is no lying to yourself here, the Marathon sees right through excuses, shortcuts, and self-transgressions.

All goes well for the first half. But slowly, step-by-step, the pain mounts and the intensity of the endeavor amplifies. You remain steadfast, knowing that you did not skimp, that you did not take shortcuts, that every footstep was earned through months of rigorous preparation and hard work. Still, with each draining thrust forward, that little nagging inclination of self-doubt in the back of your mind progressively advances into your awareness.

Then, at mile 20, the voice looms louder than ever. It hurts so bad you want to stop. You must stop. But you don’t stop. This time, you ignore the voice, you tune out the naysayers who tell you that you’re not good enough, and you listen only to the passion within your heart. This burning desire tells you to keep moving forward, to continue putting one foot in front of the other no matter the consequences.

Courage comes in many forms. Today you will have the courage to keep trying and not give up regardless of how dire things become. And indeed dire they do become. At the 26-mile mark you can barely see the course any longer, your vision is faltering as you teeter precariously on the edge of consciousness.

And then, suddenly, the finish line looms before you. Tears stream down your face as you realize you might make it. Now, finally, after years of torment you can answer back to that nagging voice of uncertainty in your head with a resounding:Oh yes I can!

You burst across the finish line and are liberated from the prison of self-doubt and limitations that have held you captive. You have learned more about yourself in the past 26.2-miles than you have known in a previous lifetime. You have forever freed yourself from those chains that had previously held you captive. Even if you can’t move for a week, never have you been so free.

As they carry you away from the finish line, wrapped in a flimsy Mylar blanket, barely able to keep your head raised, you are at peace. That daunting adversary that has haunted you an entire lifetime is now your liberator, your fondest ally. You have done what few will ever do—you have done what you thought you could never do—and it is the most glorious, unforgettable awakening ever.

You are, above all, a Marathoner, and you will wear this distinction not on the medal they place around your neck, but deep inside your heart, for the rest of your God given years. Nothing can ever take that away from you. You are a Marathoner.

Getting Ready - 2014 OM

Getting Ready – 2014 Ogden Marathon

I am 4 days away from running the 2014 Ogden Marathon.  I have NEVER been so publicly open about my racing goals.  The “public humiliation” of not achieving it is starting to haunt me.  With that being said, I’m still glad I have shared my journey. 

At the end of the 2013 Ogden Marathon, I was determined to be a better runner.  I dove into books, articles, essays, and websites that had anything to do with running.  Some of research was reading blogs about ordinary runners like me that set a goal and totally failed.  I’m grateful they “exposed” themselves so that I could learn.   

Around this time of personal transformation, the 2013 Boston Marathon took place. I have always loved watching the Boston Marathon on TV and was hoping for some inspiration.  That year did not disappoint and I watched the race through different eyes.  

The race started with ladies from Portugal, Germany, Japan and Colombia.  They had a significant lead on the chase pack.  None of the Africans even made an attempt to catch the leaders.  One of the announcers made the comment regarding the Africans, "they are just being patient to make their move."  

I'm sure those Africans could have surged ahead, but they wanted to be smart and tactical in their racing.  They knew what their bodies could handle.  After 23 miles of relative dawdling, the race turned and Rita Jeptoo (an African) was in command.  She threw in a surge and left the other women in the dust.  Her "patience" plan paid off. She won the 2013 Boston Marathon.  One of the most prestigious races in the world.

I thought about Jeptoo's race strategy for a long time.....just being patient to her process/journey.

 Shortly after that race, I read an article about process outcomes by Coach Jay Johnson.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

- Lao-Tzu

You’ve no doubt heard this.  And you’ve probably recited it in your mind on a run or at the gym when you’re just beginning to get in shape.  You have a goal in sight and this quote brings you back to the current moment.

But the problem is that many runners forget all of the steps between the first one and the goal.  If your goal is to run under two hours for the half marathon then you need to be honest about all of the little steps to get to that goal.…and what I’d rather see you do is to get the goal out of mind completely, but rather focus on the process, not the outcome.  Process orientation, not outcome orientation.

You should have goals, but you should take it one step at a time.  And you should be honest about the fact that you don’t know how many steps it will take to get there."

A gal named Christie that I met via my online training log just completed an Ironman 70.3.  She’s tough as nails.  At the end of Ironman race report she said,

“So the realization – working your ass off, and being dedicated, and driven, and focused is all necessary if you want to achieve big things.  But just because you are a hard worker, just because you are dedicated and driven and focused does not exempt you from being PATIENT TO THE PROCESS.  I think too often we get SO focused in our big dreams that we forget things happen in stages.  We forget that those stages include both failures and victories.  I think it is important to stay focused…relentless…have that inner fire burning BUT take a minute to recognize those small steps.  Appreciate and celebrate the small victories and the fact you are progressing!”

So here I am at another point in my running timeline and I hope my bookmark has moved in the right direction. Learning, getting stronger, building mental toughness, helping my body endure higher mileage. Have I been patient?  Have I focused on the core essentials of running?  Am I not far enough in the process that I shouldn't even race on Saturday?  I don't know the answer.

When I created this benchmark chart, I was beyond disappointed that I had only run .75 miles more a day (4 miles/week) than I did in 2012.  WHAT!  I started pouring over my training logs…had I really missed that important step of running more miles? 

Marathon Mileage Benchmark
	#1 SGM	#2 OM	#5 OM
	2011	2012	2014
Total Miles Run:	533.01	649.83	726.22
(20wk cycle)
Slow Miles	533.01	519.89	559.62
Fast Miles	-	129.94	166.60
Average Miles/Week	26.65	32.49	36.31
Average Daily (5days)	5.3301	6.50	7.26

But then I realized that cross training, stretching, and strength training don’t have a box in my workout calendar.  Yet, they are equally important to logging miles.  I ran eight 40+ mile buildup weeks in 2014 and only three in 2012.  My rest weeks in 2014 had significantly less mileage and more cross training so I could truly recover (but it skewed my overall averages).  I shouldn’t care about numbers and should focus on effort.  But I do.  It is a quantitative measurement that I can see.  I can’t see an effort.  I need to work on that.

T-minus 4 days until I go head to head with the clock.  I will be relieved if it says anything below 3:40 and I will be ready to pull out a new workout plan if it doesn’t.  So if anyone out there is reading this, I hope my experience will help in your own journey.  Be patient with the process.

Chasing Dreams Conquering Demons